pretend.

****disclaimer***** i am apologizing ahead of time for the language an frustration that is about to go into this.

i hate when people pretend. fuck! if your mad at me be mad. i am done dealing with this bull shit.
if your one of my best friends, then be there. just stop pretending that we are something we are not. or that we are not something that we both know we are. i hate this. i am getting the shaft in all these relationships.
i feel used and abused. and fuck i hate this. its a dumb ass way to handle yourself. pretending is just a way to delay what is really going on, its like painting over a lava lamp... even if you cover it up there is still stuff going on inside. i just have such a hard time pretending and i dont want to take the brunt of it anymore. i have guys pretending like they are not my friends left and right. one doesnt want his girl friend to know were friends, and i a hiding relationships so my roommate doesnt get mad. what the hell... i feel like i am in jr high. fuck it.

so here is what im doing... my new method is this... i saw "bull shit. i dont care" and then i follow just that.
so bull shit. i dont care..


have a good night world. im done, and fuck all you pretenders.




here is a hint where i am, come find me of your done pretending.

enjoy.

hillary elizabeth.

what im based around.

Its been months.

one month since the ipod was announced available on verizon.
one and a half since i have written last
two since
three since i have kissed a boy
four since my nephew was born
five since i believed in love.
six months since i started my job again.
seven months since i last understood what was in my future.
eight months since i last..

felt..

alive.


not in a morbid i wanna die way, or a lack of communication with God.. but more along the lines of I havet had a passion for art. I did not want to do it. i was frustrated and annoyed about my money situation. because of that i chose the not allow myself to do art. i stopped, and started producing crap pieces. stuff i am not proud to admit was mine. and now. i dont know how to get back. I know that God gave me a gift, and that gift is the ability to do art. and when i produce art i feel my passion for God and my love of God continue to grow. but now im stuck. and im producing stuff i still hate.
please tell me... where am i supposed to start again. i feel... alone. the people i need to talk to about work, and art... well they are not around.

i love having Jesus in my life... but He made me to create art... and when i am not doing that. i feel like part of me is not being expressed. like i am trying to scream, but someone has a pillow on my head.

anyways. heres the lastest piece of trash.



i want this blog to help me make sense of life. its not gonna happen..


enjoy.


hillary elizabeth.